WHO IS KAY?
I was going to start this blog with “for most of you who know me…I am…” statement and then I stopped to think and consider that question in detail. My first attempt would be a statement like: “for most of you who know me I am a happy bubbly blond with a positive zest for life”; but then I thought about some of you who might say, “I am a quirky individual, upbeat, with many new ideas”, some of you might say, “I have a lot of creative ideas but no follow through”, and then there are the ones who may say “a great girl if she only knew it herself”, or “an unreliable friend”, and if you have known me lately, “very moody and hard to follow”.
When I consider all these statements (and I’m sure there a far more, both positive and negative) I would have to agree with them all and have come up with something like:
“I am bubbly blond both outgoing and somber at times with a creative mind which flutters with great ideas but limited follow through. I am unreliable to my friends, at times I am both extroverted and introverted, and support for my friends fluctuates daily. On some days I am a hero to myself and some days I am the biggest piece of trash on earth.”
That is me. Hands down. (As it stands today).
So, I have thought long and hard about whether or not to be authentic, to unleash my friend – the giant elephant in the room – not knowing what others will think, believe, or accept. But I think it best for me and for those in my life and for those dealing with what I deal with on a regular basis to be with what is and share my story.
I have always stood firm in being an authentic human being and that belief is something I can be proud of, regardless of what people will or will not think.
MY STORY
I began this year crying on a street corner in Toronto to my parents who had come to visit. I remember the moment vividly; I was standing on the corner of queen st. (near Lady Marmalade) in a complete euphoric state (like I was on shrooms, the whole world was beautiful). Crying, I turned to my mother and I said “my life is perfect” sniffle, sniffle, ‘and I created it all’. From that moment I declared that this would be the best year of my life and every year moving forward would also be the best year of my life.
And so, 2013 began as such ‘the best year of my life’, I had the perfect job, the perfect condo, the perfect friends, and then the perfect man and perfect relationship (and this was following a break up with a man who certainly couldn’t follow me and said I was lil’ crazy – little did I know he was partially right!).
Everything was great until March 2013 when my world started to collide, and without my real knowing of what was to come.
BINGE EATING BREAKDOWN
It all began when my eating habits started to get out of control. Behind the scenes of my perfect life and for months I had been starving myself as best I could and eating minimal amounts of food, just enough to keep me going. I would not buy groceries, would limit my intake of food, would stay busy to avoid eating and then would ravenously binge eat anything I could get my hands on.
Prior to this point I was not even hungry, starving was easy. I was also operating on 2-3 hours of sleep per night and my mind was a free flowing world of beauty and creative ideas (no wonder my business partners loved me).
It was the eating habits and weight loss that were the first signals to three people I was close to – a coach in a leadership program, my best friend, and my boyfriend. All three could see something was amiss.
A DARK STORM BREWS
As my eating continued to get out of control it became very disruptive to me. I would starve, binge eat and then feel incredibly guilty about what I was doing to my body. The emotional side effects of my eating and slow weight gain began to affect my every day life.
I soon became depressed. I remember a number ‘light bulb’moments which signaled my dissociation with reality:
1) Sitting in my car at a Starbucks dressed to the nines for an event tradeshow and wishing I was dead, totally disconnected from reality and watching people walk passed my car like they were in another world
2) Running out of gas on the ramp into the parking garage of my building and rolling backwards (a metaphor of my life rolling backwards)
3) An amazing wedding, my last event at work and a photo taken where I was miserable in sea of happy faces.
…and these were only a few.
I attributed everything to unhappiness with my job and life choices and one day I walked into work and quit (and blamed it on a number of factors – “I want to work for myself”, “I’m not getting ahead financially”, “I can’t stand working there”, “I am working alone too much”, “If my best friend and boyfriend can work for themselves I can to”, “I want to go back to school” — did I mention all these issues were dealt with and solved by my bosses, yet I still left!)
Upon my leave I left the city abruptly, consolidating my life and moving back home with my parents temporarily in Mount Forest, ON, to “get my health back on track”.
Convinced I had to deal with my eating habits I took on researching everything I could on eating disordered behaviours and started to eat consciously and healthy for the first time in a while. I saw a dietitian who commended me for my work on healthy eating and told me it would take a while for my body to get back on track but that I did not have an eating disorder. She also commented on my moody behaviour as an attribute of my past irregular eating patterns.
Not long after my return home, I spend 10 days at a silent meditation retreat which changed my life. I came back from the 10 days feeling like a new person, so refreshed and full of life. For two weeks my eating habits and lifestyle was the shining example of health. I was still dealing with my moods being up and down and was now researching Adrenal Fatigue as the prime suspect but was managing things well.
This all lasted until I tried to go back to Toronto which threw me into a weekend of loneliness, massive binge eating and complete depression.
When I returned to Mount Forest I had lost myself completely in a state of darkness. One day it got so bad I had to go to the hospital for relief and freedom from my suicidal thoughts which spun round and round my head. I was on a waiting list to see my doctor and could not wait any longer.
DIAGNOSIS #1
The Monday following a distressing weekend I went to see my family doctor and brought my Mother along to make sure everything that was said was accurate. With a ten minute mood test and interview my doctor was the first to give me a diagnosis.
“Kaylie, it sounds to me like Bipolar, yes definitely Bipolar”
I started to see my actions clearly. That my behaviour of euphoria, limited sleep, excitement, and starvation from about November 2011 – February 2012 where all symptoms of a Manic state. I started to see that my abilities at that time in my life were superhuman, but far from normal. (If you have ever had a moment where you are in complete awe of life, imagine it on steriods. Now that was my reality for 3 months!)
Mom and I left feeling relieved and unsettled that a doctor could in ten minutes provide an accurate diagnosis on such a serious Mental Illness and then prescribe $300 of monthly medication.
So, I asked for a second opinion.
DIAGNOSIS #2
Meet Dr. Glumac, a very aloof man, and settled in his imperfections, with a bit of a belly and quirky ‘Psychiatrist’ behaviour. He is a man in his mid-fifties, highly knowledgeable in his craft. I could tell his expertise by the way he addressed me and the questions he asked, so perfect and so offside, exactly what you would expect from a Psychiatrist. We discussed my entire life from childhood to present. His first reaction was: “You seem to display erradic and implusive behaviour, don’t you think?”, and “I believe it is your mood that comes before anything”
Huh? And…yes, I could see where he was coming from after the review of my life and the shocking mirror he had set fourth in front of me.
Appointment two involved my Mother, the one who knows me best.
As I was watching her hand movements display my life as tossing decks of cards into the air and seeing where they fall I was startled by the version of my life I was now privy too. And she was right, and it was scary.
“I worried about Kayl” he said. (Little did he know Kayl is a treasured nickname of mine, given by my closest family and friends)
“Kaylie has what is called Bipolar II, she is a classic case”.
He proceeded to explain that those with Bipolar II will exhibit the same pattern which follows a depressive period in their teens (lasting for approx a year) and then 3-4 consistent years before they experience a manic state and then rapid cycling fluctuations in mood which become out of control.
He also advised me to leave all responsibilities and to give myself at least 2 months to recover from this illness and get myself to state of stability.
It was on the last day of July when Dr. Glumac diagnosed my Bipolar II condition. On that day he provided me both relief, a way out from the moods which had taken over my life and he handed me a lifelong illness with stigma attached to it.
DEALING WITH DIAGNOSIS THE ‘BIPOLAR’ WAY
As any true Bipolar patient I decided to strong arm his advice and take matters into my own hands.
I started taking medication and then decided I didn’t need it. I tried Reiki, Thought Field Therapy, Energetic BalancingOntology and Psychology to get me to a better place. (Anything but medication and conventional medicine)
I decided I would not take a job and then decided I could handle it. Okay, I did that multiple times.
Both resulted in a further departure from my healing, throwing my right back into depression. Although, this was a necessary step into my own understanding of this confusing disorder of the mind (that nothing I did could break the mood that trapped me).
FINDING FREEDOM
One thing we can be thankful for as humans is the power of choice. Whether we see it or believe it or not we always have the power to choose what we want and this happens on a daily basis.
When you are given a long-term chronic illness you have the choice to let it become you or to become the master of it. You also have the choice to live in denial or hide away or to become an advocate and stand for others.
I choose the latter.
And because I choose Bipolar, I am now on a path to freedom.
WHAT FREEDOM LOOKS LIKE?
I plan to first learn how to free myself and then to spend my life freeing and educating others.
I plan to see the possibility in my life and not be bound by my circumstances because they are just circumstances.
I CHOOSE to be grateful.
Being Bipolar II has given me one thing I thought I would never have – a true love for myself. I stand in love for myself because I value my life. I have complete compassion for myself and my life and what others are dealing with (whether it be the loss of a loved one, cancer or just a bad day). I always thought that loving myself was a place I had to get to but now I see the truth, that it is in me.
I have more power than I have ever had. I am Superwoman! – even if no one understands or gets what I am going through with Bipolar being an illness you can’t see in reality . Because the truth is is you don’t have Bipolar there is no way you can understand. Bipolar is something you can only get on an experiential level (like having a baby – if you are a man you will never understand this pain).
What I am learning and have begun to understand – living life in the present with no clutter – just this moment as it is and the next moment as it is. Being in recovery this is all you can do, deal with life on a moment to moment basis.
MY PROMISE
I will share this love, this compassion, this power with all of you when I am ready and able.
Thank you for listening to a piece of story and more to come.
Mind Your Matter 